Waiting

have you ever stopped to think about why things turn out a certain way? I know I do. There's something about experiencing something incredible or unbelievable that makes you change the way you view things about life. Except in this case, it's more of an uncertainty that I have in my life right now.

I know I haven't blogged in the longest while. A couple of weeks...a month or so.. but yea. So many things have happened, I just... could never find the time to write it all down. Other times, it just seems as though I've avoided trying to write everything down. Maybe it's because of this uncertainty that I feel right now.

I've noticed I've been more sensitive lately...maybe it's because of how I've been treated for the past couple of days or so. It seems like ever since Monday, and the trip to the doctor's have changed things durastically. Everything is taken with caution now, and I can't go a day without being asked, "are you alright? is anything wrong?"

When I first went to the doctor's and found out that he wouldn't treat me, I didn't really soak up what was happening at the time. Not until I reached the car and my mom was starting to contact the doctor that I was referred to, did I realize that things are getting serious.

Back in October, I just thought my headaches were normal. I mean, people get headaches don't they? But then, after having them.. for hours and hours.. day after day, I knew it wasn't normal. I rememeber being prescribed pills, which I wrote about a few entries back. heh..always pills. Then, after a couple of weeks of being fine, headaches kept coming back... then.. two weeks ago, another attack, the worst one yet.

Everyone at school thought that I missed school because I forgot there was school. But in reality, all I was doing is laying in bed trying to keep myself from passing out and throwing up all over the place. No one was home. No one was there to take care of me. But by now, I should be able to take care of myself... I mean... really..I've been sick most of my life. Why would now be any different?

but it is... it's really different. I don't know if my parents have found another doctor, but all I know is that I went 2 days without headaches until today. It came back again, and I am seriously starting to wonder if something is really wrong with me. Because the implication my mom is giving me, is that I have internal bleeding in my head. And dear God, I hope she is wrong.

On that day, I was glad I was home alone, because I remember breaking down several times, not understanding why things turned out this way. I wanted to understand, I wanted to believe that things were alright and it was all in my head. But I could not keep the thought of things getting bad out of my head, and it hurt thinking about it.


will I die?

in some ways, that is all I ever think about nowadays. I know eventually we all die one day... and I know I wanted to die willingly so many times before, but now... it just seems like something unreal. I just don't know how to explain it.

At times I wished I had the strength that my cousin did when she was diagnosed with Stephen Johnson Syndrome. I don't know how she did it... I don't know how anyone can do it.

all I can do now, is wait and see what happens from here on out. That's all I can do..

...all I can do is wait...