Christmas Wish

Lately I've been contemplating about the worth of the materialistic things I possess. I wonder how much I truly cherish these little trinkets and bits of pieces of memories that have slipped by so long ago. However, the true object that is greatly valued cannot be simply something that is tangible, but perhaps something that is created by oneself.

I don't know why I've been thinking about it, but perhaps it has to do with the thought of Christmas coming soon, and the gifts that will be given and received. I do not expect much, that I know for sure, because I don't really need much. Although, one might say that they do not want anything, or do not need anything, somehow in the deepest depths of their hearts, there is that one desire that cannot be obtained, or at least have yet to be grasped.

I remember my wish for Christmas last year. A foolish one, but one that I wanted with my very being. I wanted something that was lost to me and my family. Well, if I do recall, my wish was for my family to be okay again.

I remember when I was in junior high, and I use to hear about how highschool changes the way your life goes. I tried to hold on fast to what I had for the time being, however, I didn't realize how quickly it'd be slipping away from me. When highschool arrived, I realized how much has gone wrong in such a little time. However, there is still so much I cannot understand about my family, or as to why they made the decision that they did. The only thing I can say, is that I've never felt so lonely in my whole entire life. Call me emo or whatever, I don't care. If you don't even take the time or effort to grasp the different concepts of a person's life, then what gives you a right to assume or judge them?

Some people are just blessed with wonderful lives, however, they take it for granted and do not realize what they have in front of them. Others, have to work harder for the lives they want. I use to think that the only constant in my life was my family. For some time it was true, but if I were to really say that it was the complete truth, then I would just be lieing to myself once again. Perhaps I wanted to, just so I woudn't have to face the truth or the faults of my family.

I wanted a real family. Not one that would just show up every now and then. Not one that came late to every important event of your life, just because they think it's just another day. Not one that argued every single day. Not one that would draw fists against each other and are willing to hurt each other. Not one who doesn't understand or isn't willing to understand each other. Not one who chooses to ignore and disrespect one another. There's just too many things I could say.. but if I continue on, I would just be repeating what I've been telling myself everyday of my life.

What do I want for Christmas? Again that question baffles me, and yet what I truly want cannot be obtained. I suppose I just want my family. I just want my family to not argue, to not yell, to not hurt each other anymore. I just want my family to be here, instead of me always coming home to an empty house, eating dinner alone at a big empty table. I just want my family to stop critisizing and start understanding for once. I just want my family to be able to relax, instead of having to stress about every little thing until their health is at risk. I just want my family to be safe, healthy, relaxed, and most of all happy. But if we continue to live the way we are now, then I don't know how I could get what I want. Perhaps...what I want isn't important, but it is what they want that is.

From the deepest depths of my soul, I can only say... one can only wish for so much....

<3 j.L