Growing Up and Changing Times

Well it's been a couple of days since I've last written anything. I would always want to write something, but decide not to and save it for a later time just to emphasize one of the points that I had wanted to talk about.

Summer school has kept me busy if I should say the least. XC is...well it's a lot of hard work, hard work that I'm willing to go through. Yesterday was one of the first times I've ran with Varsity. It was a new and hard experience if I might add. Sometimes I wonder how they could do it. How anyone could do it for that matter.

There's this drive that people have. This want to do something, to accomplish what they've set out to do. Some give up too easily, while others try too hard. Either way, what can really get a person what they want? If a person wanted something bad enough, how far are they willing to go to pursue that want? With each situation it varies.

Just running with varsity yesterday gave me a taste of what they go through. My thoughts on this were, that it was so hard, but then I remembered...nothing ever comes easily. I never expect them to.

I try to pursue the expectations that I have set for myself. At times, it seems hopeless too. Other times I feel like an idiot for even trying at all. But in the end, when I've accomplished something no matter what it is, I feel somewhat satisfied. I feel satisfied with how I ran yesterday. Although it was hard, with the help of my teammates, and the want to accomplish the task, it makes me want to come back for more.

Do I want a varsity position?

I guess at one point in our lives or another, we find that there is something that we'd think is impossible, and yet when you look over it again, you begin to think, "maybe it is possible." So back to my question. Do I want a varsity position? Yes, I would. One point of my highschool "life" I would like to be in varsity. But, only if I had earned it. But the real question is, do I want it now or am I willing to pursue it at a later date?

I'm not sure what I want. Sometimes I feel as though, maybe I could try. Other days I feel so distracted with things that I don't want to deal with anything anymore. So for now, I suppose my decision and what I really want is left undefined.


I've come to this point in my life, where I feel as though I need to figure out what I need to with my life. I know that people say you should enjoy life as long as you have it, but sometimes there are other priorities that causes you to change that. People find me serious. A little bit too serious at times. I use to be a very laid-back person. I tried to have fun and I really cared about the lives of others.

Nowadays, I find myself selfish, only because sometimes you need to be selfish in order to find yourself. There's this question that everyone asks themselves at least once in their lives.

Who am I really?

I guess I could describe to you the way people may perceive me. But if I were to answer that question, I'd be speechless. I wouldn't know what to say. Does my name define who I am? Or does what I do at school or at sports define who I am? What really defines who I am? Can I ever figure out who I really am, rather than trying to live up to the perception that people have of me? These questions are different for everyone.

For me, it's like a battle during a cold war. You never know who's the enemy or who you could trust. During rough times you wonder if you could even trust yourself, let alone anyone else. But it's more like a battle against myself. This on-going war is in my mind and in my heart. I don't know why everything seems to conflict with one another. I just need to find an answer. But the only person who could give me the answers to my questions, is myself.

I find that, it's hard for me to talk with people nowadays. When they ask me if anything's new I can't seem to find the words to describe the feelings I have inside. It's hard to describe. I don't know how to explain how I feel, or why I feel a certain way. All I know is sometimes I pretend that I don't know how I feel, just to hide away my real feelings towards something.

I guess I think too much. Maybe that's why I get too serious about things. But, I just don't know anymore. I just know that, my family is really important to me and that I'll always be here for my friends. There's a lot of things that I'd want to do with my life, but at this point.. I just need to learn to grow.

I just..need to learn to grow..that's all..