Inspired Resolutions

Okay, so lately I've been saying that I'm a loner.Why? For several reasons. It's not that I don't have any friends...that's not it. I have lots of friends. It's just that I don't hang out with them.Well lately I haven't. I guess sometimes there's this point in your life, when you need to be a loner. I guess mainly I just needed time to think. About what? About everything.

Life isn't easy. It isn't easy for anyone at all. But some people are blessed enough to enjoy their lives for what it is. Others may even have grown up with good lives. Am I saying I didn't grow up with a good life? No. I grew up with a good life, which I appreciate greatly. Except, I must say, it hasn't been an easy one.

When I look at my life, and my problems I start to laugh at myself. I think how pathetic it is for me to worry about meaningless quarrels and such that I shouldn't even have to worry about. There's a lot that I rather be doing then worrying about little things and about the problems of others.

Don't get me wrong. I will be there for my friends when they need me. However, sometimes I just can't be there, just because I can't. Like I said earlier before, I'm not perfect, no one is. I try to be sometimes, but why? Why do I attempt to do the impossible? To please people I shouldn't have to please. Perhaps it's because I've grown up thinking I should make other people happy just in order to fill in the void of my own life. Their happiness was suppose to fill in whatever it is that makes me feel so empty. And yet it doesn't.

I realize that without being happy for myself and my own life, I cannot be happy for others. But I am happy for my friends. If they are happy with their lives as it is, or at least they try to be happy, then I will be happy for them.However, I'd like to be happy for myself, but I can't because I know that other actions and emotions are called for in the situations I've been partaking in lately.


Recently I've been thinking about one of my cousins name Lianny. She attends UCLA right now. I think about her life and how things changed for her years ago, and how it affected the whole family and all the loved ones around her. Whenever I think of her, I want to cry and yet smile because I'm glad she's still alive. Although only a couple of my friends knew this but she had the Stephen Johnson Syndrome.For those of you who don't know what it is..I'll post a short description of what it is.

Stevens Johnson Syndrome, or SJS, is an extreme allergic reaction, usually to a drug, but also to certain bacterial and viral infections. “We usually distinguish between three forms,” said Dr. Bernard Cohen, MD, of Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, “a milder form called Erythema Multiforme Minor, or EM, Stevens Johnson Syndrome, SJS, and TENS, or Toxic Epidermal Necrolysis Syndrome, the most severe form. With EM, which can be recurrent, there will be lesions on the distal extremities [lower legs and arms] and in the mouth; there is little mucous membrane involvement, however. With SJS, which is usually not recurrent, there are usually blistering ulcerations of the cornea, mouth, rectum, genitalia, skin, and urethra, usually accompanied by a high fever and generalized weakness. TENS involves the entire skin and mucous membrane; the skin literally sloughs off of the person’s body.”

While there are a number of infectious causes that can initiate an SJS reaction, the most common culprits are drugs. The drugs most implicated are anti-convulsants (like phenobarbitol), sulfonamides, or sulfa drugs, non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDS), including ibuprofen, barbiturates, and antibiotics such as amoxicillin and tetracycline. “We just lost a 17 year old boy in Kansas City to SJS apparently caused by tetracycline, “ Farrell said ruefully. “He was taking it for his acne. We also have a woman whose daughter went blind after taking ibuprofen. People need to realize that over-the counter-drugs can cause SJS too.”

In short, the Stephen Johnsons Syndrome is the cause of a severe allergic reaction to medicine or chemicals. It has the same affects of a 3rd degree burn. But worse. You have blisters in your mouth, your throat, and your lungs. Pretty much anywhere you could imagine. Every part of your body..anything that has skin, peels off. It reveals all of the meat underneathe your skin, which causes you to be very vulnerable to catch diseases.

I remember my cousin going through that. She's a young, smart, talented woman with so much ahead of her. To see her go through that was horrific. And yet..although many people die from this syndrome...she survived. My cousin, a survivor. And all the while, as this was happening...she still continued school and study and take tests in her hospital bed, just so she could pass and transfer to UCLA. And she did it all. I admire her so much for that. I can't believe how strong she is.

To be honest, I was horrified by the event. It left me with chills and tears that would last me a lifetime. My family, when I think of them, I may want to say that I dislike being around them..but in truth that's all I ever want to do. I just want to be with them, do everything with them. Because I love them. And although I may feel like I just can't stand them...in truth.. sometimes a little too much one thing can cause too much closeness. I dunno. But because of my family, because of the events that occur in my family.. I've become the person I am today.

I'm not perfect. I sometimes try to be. Perhaps to fulfill the expectations of everyone else.But in truth, all of it is nothing compared to the dreams I wish I could somehow reach.

There's a lot about me people don't know. I don't expect them to know me really well, and I don't expect them to care. I don't tell everyone everything. I'm emotional because my family is emotional. I just never really realized that until now. And sometimes I just wonder why...?

All I have to say is..it's getting late, and I should be getting to bed. Maybe I'll continue my ponderings in the early morning.

Goodnight.